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Joke of the Day

"Me: Why are you in such a bad mood? 5-year-old: I haven't had my coffee. Me: You've never had coffee. 5-year-old: Exactly."

"""That'll be $15.99 please"" ""Do you take giant revolving badgers?"" *cashier grabs me by the throat* ""We ONLY take giant revolving badgers"""

"Did you know that dogs can't get MRI's? only cat's can"

"Wears a black shirt to a first dates house to see if shes lying about having cats"

"My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate."

"Yo mama is so fat... that when she goes to the movie theatre she sits next to everybody."

"[talking to family after emergency surgery] Your positive energy saved my life Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello"

"Q: What word begins with the letter ""F"" and ends in ""UCK""? A: FIRETRUCK."

"Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. Pee is yellow. Shit is brown. I am drunk. This is a tweet."

"My sex life is like a Bond villain... Goldfinger"