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Joke of the Day

" My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *""what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?""*"

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"What do you call the mercury mine? Hg wells"
"Where did this concept of kidnappers using white vans come from? I mean, I just use my Prius, stop being so stereotypical, jeez."
"What do you get when you cross an ape with a calculator? A Hairy Reasoner. (Andy Rooney used to enjoy this one)"
"I replied ""maybe"" to your facebook event out of respect for the inherent uncertainty of life's journey."
"""Vitamin Water""?? Sorry bud, that exists and it's called SOUP"
"Why was the computer stressed out when it got home from work? 'Cause it had a hard drive."
"I wonder what the parking situation is at the Special Olympics? ...."
"Need a joke to tell my Public Speaking class this Monday.. Can be as crude as you want, but no racist or sexist jokes."
"an optimist, a pessimist, and a nihilist live in a shared apartment. dah- dum -- crash!"