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Joke of the Day

"My brother just updated his status to ""I love my girlfriend <3"". I always knew he liked them young, but that is f*cking ridiculous."

"If you need me I'll always be stuck behind the person who doesn't know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle."

"My sleeping pills say don't mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything."

"I'm sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don't really get the metric system. How much exactly is ""in moderation""?"

"Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, ""GET LOST!"" So I stared... Realising she wasn't saying more, I asked, ""which season?"""

"why aren't mexicans and blacks suppose to have kids? because the children will be to lazy to steal."

"what's a pirate's favourite letter? you may think it's R, but his true love be the C!"

"How to use eyeliner: 1. Draw a thin line on your top & bottom eyelids 2. Oops too thick, try to even them out 3. Colour your whole face in"

"Peanuts Two peanuts are walking down the street, one was assaulted... ...peanut."

"What are three words you don't want to hear during sex? Honey, I'm home!"