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Joke of the Day

"It's cute that the NRA thinks guns could defend you from a government that has a high fructose corn syrup nozzle up every citizens' asshole."

"What can jelly beans do that you can't? Come in different colors."

"DON'T shoot for the moon if you miss, you will land among the stars alone and asphyxiating"

"Fun fact: All of the seasons were named after coils of metal. Except for summer and winter. And fall."

"""I need some space."" - astronaut breaking up with his girlfriend"

"Should English be the only official language of the EU? No."

"A guy calls the hospital and says... ""You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"" The nurse says, ""Calm down. Is this her first child?"" To which he replies, ""No! This is her fucking husband!"""

"Dicksuckers Cramp Guy 1: ""You know what this face is?"" *Holds mouth open in an O* Guy 2: ""No, what?"" Guy 1: ""Dicksuckers Cramp, get it?"" Guy 2: ""Yeah"" Guy 1: ""How often?"""

"I saw a black guy running down the street carrying a tv I thought for a second, ""man that looks a lot like mine' so I ran home quick and nope there was mine still shining my shoes."

"I am not an accident waiting to happen. I am an accident. Happening."