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Joke of the Day

"Today, I've been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze."

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"I'll take a Clooney, and 2 Upton's please. Turned to my wife and said, ""Amazon is buying Twitch for 1 billion. She said ""the dancer?"" . . yea hun, the dancer."
"Greeting card [cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer's [inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer's"
"How did Harry Potter get down the hill? He walked . . . . . . . . . . . . . J.K..................... Rowling"
"What's a russian's favorite golf club? A putin wedge."
"It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. "
"I just want to give a shoutout to the ancients for inventing the calendar. It has made my day."
"*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment* ""Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar."""
"My girlfriend used to do flashy shows on a chair for me. It was electrical."
"This is a joke about my balls but its pretty funny Why were my balls wet? cause i dipped em' in the wishing well! LOL"