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Joke of the Day

"I've been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now."

"I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease."

"WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM"

"""Lady In Red"" is my favorite song about a guy that's trying to get laid even though he can't remember her goddamn name."

"The only Foursquare location I'd be interested in reading you tweet from is the cave of Bin Laden."

"scientists agree that following me on twitter is a clear sign you were classified as Above Average as kid and used it as an excuse to coast"

"I bought a book of pick-up lines, but the pages were empty... turns out it was written by Bill Cosby."

"What did the dolphin say when three orcas swam by? Whale, whale, whale, who do we have here? Please, this is a cry for help."

"The weekend just logged me out due to inactivity."

"What's the difference between 100 dead babies and a Lamborghini? You won't find a Lambo in a landfill."