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Joke of the Day

"""I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."" Will Shriner"

"[house hunting] Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding* GOT ONE! Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword* GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!"

"What kind of a belly button does a German car mechanic have? An Audi"

"I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger and then it hit me."

"[interview] ""How would you describe your people skills?"" ME: I tend to drive others away. ""That's great! Welcome to Uber."""

"What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!"

"Well, I've reached that awkward t-shirt size between 'XL' and 'killing myself.'"

"What do you call it when someone leaves at the first sign of a hurricane? A premature evacuation."

"Which Hollywood actress has made sure all sci-fi movies like alien; ghostbusters; avatar & chappie are ""woven"" together? Sigourney ""Weaver"" :P"

"School is the foreplay of life You can't rush it."