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Joke of the Day

"-gestures to everything in the Garage- Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!! Wife- YOU'RE a tool Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM Wait..what?"

"Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when it's being shoved into an oven"

"The more fanciful embroidery you have on the back pockets of your jeans, the less I value you as a person."

"If we went camping... If we went camping and you woke up with a condom in your ass, would you tell anyone? Want to go camping?"

"Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, ""Marco"" and then an even fainter, ""Polo."""

"What do you call a fly that literally can't even?"

"KID: are you sure this will work? ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?"

"What weapons do pengiuns have? Pen-guinades."

"What does a drunk police officer do? Protect and swerve."

"Single life might be lonely, but at least I'm always with my favorite person"