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Joke of the Day

"Why are Wayne and Garth banned from playgrounds? They hog the Schwing set."

"After finishing my pint really quickly, the barman told me to calm down. I said, ""You're telling me? You just drunk my pint!"""

"The NSA killed my Internet Now I have to build a GNU one."

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if you crushed his spirit by telling him how worthless he was and deprived him of a good education?"

"Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were. Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!"

"I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles. You know...heroin."

"Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting... ...or has multiple restraining orders against me?"

"Forgot to turn on the oven. Food's been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer."

"I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I'm really passionate about ducks."

"Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages? Because there were too many knights."