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Joke of the Day

"Did you see that Walmart will be closing about 500 stores by the end of the year...? It's going to put about 12 cashiers out of work."

"Soccer player calls his wife after a game... Player: ""I scored two goals!!"" Wife: ""Great! What was the end scored?"" Player: ""1:1"""

"Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you."

"What do you call a spider with no legs? A raisin"

"Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven."

"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never paid money to have a garbanzo bean on my face"

"19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked ""can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?"" *making screwdrivers*"

"Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd"

"Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris."

"Did you hear about the kidnapping? They had to wake him up..."