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Joke of the Day

"The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters So Trump can't tweet it"

"Look, I might not take a bullet for you but I'd push someone else in front of you which is practically the same thing."

"Me:Thank you, he's so hot I don't even know what I want to do first...Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?"

"I think my girlfriend might be mad at me, so I'm going to make her a mix-tape to show her how much I care."

"Time I spend listening to music 54 seconds. Time I spend untangling headphones 17 minutes"

"""No, YOU'VE had too much to drink!"" ~Me, to this bar stool"

"If a quiz is quizzical, what is a test?"

"What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? People like pizza"

"If I had a dollar for every girl that turned me down... They wouldn't turn me down anymore."

"I'm only good at math when I'm adding insult to injury."