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Joke of the Day

"American Politics"

"I wanted to break up, but I was a pussy... Who couldn't resist your pussy - said every man, ever. (verbatim from conversation with ex-gf today)"

"People say I'm a mean person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a sweet girl In a jar on my desk."

"I woke up with a raging hard on.... I called my wife over and told her to fix my clock. She said ""that doesn't look like a clock."" I responded, ""if you put a face and 2 hands on it it does."""

"[NSFW] I was seeing a girl once, five actually... Then the sorority started looking into the strange sounds in the attic."

"i went to a seafood disco once... And I pulled a mussel."

"If I had a penny everytime I was one cent short for a beer I'd have become an alcoholic."

"I think someone may be sending me death threats. Woke up this morning with a [Tesco burger](http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-21038521) on my pillow!"

"[hugging mom at sister's funeral] ""And you said I'd never be your favorite"""

"I'm going to have to rethink my time machine rental business. People keep bringing them back a day before they rented them."