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Joke of the Day

"Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody's going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots."

"The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life."

"Fred: let's settle this once and for all! *fred rips my face away revealing bloody skull* Velma: he wasn't wearing a mask! Fred: I know."

"Knock knock... Who's there?... Tank... Tank who?... You're welcome"

"[beach] [a foot washes up] [next, a boot] [I combine them] [more parts arrive] [I keep building] [I stand back] ME: Oh no..you?! HITLER: Yep"

"Women and Wine I like my women like my wine, aging in the cellar."

"How did Isis move from 5th wanted terrorist group to the most wanted terrorist group? They cut a head"

"When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it's Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister."

"I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it's because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager."

"A psychic midget has escaped from prison Yes, we have a small medium at large."