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Joke of the Day

"My wife got braces today, so last night I reminded her... I reminded her that last night would be her last pain-free BJ night for two years. Looks like I will be waiting another two years..."

"I like my coffee like I like my men. Sweet and delicious and makes me feel awesome at first but then I feel like shit and end up sitting on the toilet regretting my life choices."

"The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? ""Cause you're fatter than they are."""

"*watching The Revenant* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* Him: What are you doing? Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear."

"Oh. Awesome. A gift card. It's like money, but I can only spend it where you thought I'd like to."

"What does Korean food taste like? Chinese food."

"Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday."

"which cola brand sources its water from the oceans? PepSi"

"I'm a lot like an iPhone 4. Girls always leave me in bars and my face is busted"

"Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar."