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Joke of the Day

"People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying 'bless you' when someone sneezed last year"

"That's it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I'm going to say ""no, I'm just sleeping around""."

"A man goes to the doctor... The doctor says ""I've got good news and bad news. The good news is you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is I should have told you yesterday..."""

"Jared was a good eater But he always left a little behind"

"Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk."

"Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves."

"That escalated quickly - Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator."

"My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat"

"""I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid..."" -how vodka was born"

"After 69 Q: What comes after 69? A: Mouthwash."