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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend was dropping all these hints about tying the knot or taking the plunge... so I tied a rock around her ankle and pushed her off the pier. She hasn't called since..."

"Went to a restaurant last night and the waitress had a black eye. I ordered slow and made sure to speak clearly. Because she obviously doesn't listen."

"""Well, there's no point in starting that now."" - Friday, 3pm"

"Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds."

"Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead."

"If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind"

"What is Minecraft? It's Hitler's lesser known second book about his love of knitting. Officially the title is Mein Kraft but, the kids like this spelling more."

"The remote does not go next to the TV. That's the opposite of why you have a remote."

"What is Bill Cosby's favorite ice cream flavor? Rape."

"I want to open a bar that serves nothing but expensive beer and baked beans. I'll call it Farts & Crafts."