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Joke of the Day

"5yo: Daddy, what's a facial? Me: Your brother. 5yo: I don't have a brother!? Me: Exactly!"

"*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt* This one doesn't listen anymore...Can I get a new one?"

"A healthy man in a room of paraplegic people is outstanding"

"I don't see any former child prodigies/spelling bee champions solving any of the world's problems. Thanks for nothing, you little burn-outs."

"I'm should probably update everyone who wrote ""Have a great summer!"" in my high school yearbook. It was okay."

"What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died? ...nothing."

"My date didn't go as planned and now I don't know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese."

"My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for ""best way to clean vomit off a keyboard??"""

"[Offensive] what did the Native Indian girl say while she was having sex? You're crushing my smokes dad."

"I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I'm... lacktoes intolerant *opens another beer*"