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Joke of the Day

"*approaches your table* Magic trick? *I hold out some cards with fake hands while my real hand pokes out of my shirt and steals your burger*"

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"Hate is a strong word... I prefer the term ""want to stab them thirty-seven times in the chest."""
"I just told a girl her eyebrows were drawn on too high. She looked surprised."
"My girlfriend just told me she might be pregnant I told her to cut it out"
"If I were a famous president I would totally use money as photo I.D."
"Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00! *Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume."
"I think it was stupid of David Bowie keeping his cancer a secret. The amount of likes he would have got on Facebook would have saved him ten times over."
"Charlie Sheen renamed his penis due to recent events. ""The African"""
"If a dog is on a submarine..... Is it a Subwoofer?"
"Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter? Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in."