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Joke of the Day
"What do you call a swashbuckler when he noticed you? A senpairate."
Next Joke
"If I was a vampire, pretty sure I'd find a way to cover blood in cheese."
"Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today."
"Hillary Clinton says to the Devil, ""What happened? You promised me that I'd win the election?"" The Devil replies, ""Yeah, and you promised me a soul."""
"All my tweets are based on true events that happened in my head."
"What's white and red, 3 inches long, and makes dudes scream and run away when you show it to them? A positive pregnancy test."
"The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella felt at midnight."
"Doctor: you gotta cut back on the drinking Me: but why? D:*lifts up x-ray* says here your liver has officially been sponsored by Grey Goose"
"The first thing I thought when I saw that House Republicans wanted more Congressional Bengazzara hearings... ""This seems a bit much, wasn't *that* bad as Jackie Treehorn"""
"How do you know if you have a high sperm count? If she has to chew before she swallows."