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Joke of the Day

"*lays down on memory foam mattress* mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade? me: I regret buying you"

"Being single at this time is not based on my wanting freedom to do what I want....It's more due to the fact that I want the freedom to not have to do what someone else wants."

"If storks bring human babies what bring monster babies? Cranes."

"How do you troll someone? Make them wipe their screen because they think text is a smudge."

"A girlfriend is like a good joke. If I told you I had one, you'd probably laugh."

"""Please don't make a scene."" -Horrible movie director"

"I'd hate to be Rock, and have to come home and explain to my kids how I got beat by Paper."

"They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks... Well my wife's 70, with a face like the back of a bus, and last night I taught her to light her own farts."

"You give great word of mouth"

"If anything is used to its full potential, it will break."