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Joke of the Day

"If my dying plant is any indication, I probably don't water my dog enough... Oh fuck, where's my kid?"

"A tax collector dies and goes to heaven"

"How do you know if a girl is on her period? Shut up!"

"Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts to."

"I spent this past weekend baby-proofing my house... I'm not having a baby, but I hung up a bunch of anime posters to make sure that I never do."

"""If I had a bookstore I'd make the mystery section really hard to find."""

"A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket.. And says ""Some asshole's got my pen!"""

"An Italian classics professor... ...goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: ""Euripides?"" The professor replies: ""Yes. Eumenides?"""

"My friend the Scarecrow just got a promotion He was outstanding in his field"

"Do you know what's cooler than those fake chains around your license plate? Everything. Every single thing in the world."