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Joke of the Day

"""STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG"" I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. ""This is NOTHING like Twilight!!"""

"Any fountain can be a Fountain of Youth if filled with champagne and you've had 5 glasses."

"a priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench... the priest sees some kids playing nearby. he leans over to the rabbi points and says ""how about we screw them"" the rabbi says ""out of what?"""

"Hey, having a good conversation with the cashier? Great. Hurry the fuck up. We have lives, sort of."

"I recognize that Rome wasn't built in a day but I'm not trying to build Rome, I just want to to enjoy onion rings without gaining weight."

"Why did the actor fire his Gorilla agent? The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite!"

"""If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you."" - Philosophical soup kitchen chef"

"If I had a nickel for every time I jerked off... I'd be a jizzillionaire!"

"I got a new job breaking up suicidal couples. I'm not very good at it, two of them already tied the knot."

"Two men were out hunting together... (Joke made into a video) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4M3rgkpx3Lc"