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Joke of the Day

"What did the hippy who has been crashing on your couch for the last 2 weeks say when you asked him to leave?! Am I supposed to say the answer or let y'all guess for a bit?!"

"Wife: ""I look fat. Can you give me........ Wife: ""I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"" Husband: ""You have perfect eyesight."""

"So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg? ""No I mean do you have any questions about the job?"""

"[sinking ship] CAPTAIN: dammit RAT: i'm leaving CAPTAIN: i'm staying CAPTAIN'S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i'm excited to see how this plays out"

"[after solid first date] Ok play it cool, don't wanna seem too eager.. *texts her 47 years later* ""Had a great time the other night :)"""

"When I grow up, I want to spend 1/3 of my life sleeping, 1/3 staring at a computer in a tiny cubicle and 1/3 hating myself. (realistic kid)"

"How do you know if you are at a gay picnic? The hot dogs taste like shit."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Blair ! Blair who ? Blair play !"

"Let me be clear, I don't want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment."

"What is the difference between a priest and a pedophile? A pedophile does not get tax exemptions for raping young boys."