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Joke of the Day

"Um, guys, whaddya do with a 5 y.o. at an aquarium who's hysterical because she sees Dory in a tank and I kind of need to know right now."

"Hitler was the worst track runner he couldn't even finish one race"

"I'm not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I'm just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion..."

"What do asparagus and anal sex have in common? The more it's forced on you as a child, the more you dislike it as an adult."

"Bandwagon fans make me so mad, I've hated Benghazi for decades"

"What did one lesbian pirate say to the other? Scissor me timbers. ^^im^fucking^sorry"

"Me: I found a job! Mom: That's great! What is it? Me: debt collection! Mom:.... Me..... Mom:... Me: I think you know why I'm calling."

"Do you know what George Washington would be doing if he were alive today? Scratching like hell at the inside of his casket."

"My friends think I should stop telling jokes because my punchlines are always shit. Shit."

"Who writes all his plays on the Internet? Will-e. Shakespeare."