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Joke of the Day
"You don't realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead."
Next Joke
"I was only mildly famous in the '90s but vaccinate your kids"
"hello poison control. i need some poison asap, my kid is being a real piece of shit. yes i'll hold."
"So I put a bucket of water over the door a few days ago, and my victim remarked that it wasn't very original. Eh, maybe I was the fool."
"Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn't recognize them because they've gotten so big."
"What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers"
"My friend sure changed when she became a vegetarian... (fixed) I mean, she never actually told me she was a vegetarian. But they say you are what you eat. And now she's a vegetable."
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
"My wife deserved it... She didn't let me wank, I had to beat something!"
"[ugly sweater contest] *starts sweating* *takes home the gold*"