114967

Joke of the Day

"I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again."

"q uo poq nq s s s"

"Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time."

"I hurt my shoulder and doctor told me i shouldn't lift anything heavy. So i'm forced to sit down when i pee."

"This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him ""You passed my house, let me out"" & he's all like ""Sir I'm a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication."""

"Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me."

"I feel bad every time I lie to Waze and say I'm the passenger when I'm really driving."

"Two condoms are walking down the street... ...they pass a gay bar and one turns to the other and says, ""wanna go in there and get shitfaced?"""

"Why do you never have sex with someone's ear? Because you'll give them hearing AIDS."

"So I ask my local librarian... If she had books on Pavlovs dog and Schrodingers cat. She said they rang a bell but dont know if they are there or not."