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Joke of the Day

"My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell today! Technically he said, 'Less McDonalds' but I'm pretty sure I knew what he meant."

"[at a funeral home] ME: One death please"

"Every 7 seconds someone in the world dies. Every 6 seconds, a white girl uploads a Pumpkin Spice latte pic on Instagram."

"[highspeed chase] ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they're getting away *turns on Siren* [several nearby ships are lured to their doom]"

"My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks ""are you OK?"""

"Why were there no black people in the Flintstones? Because they were still considered monkeys."

"I think I'm going to start taking helium People are speaking very highly of it."

"so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it"

"""I have something I'd like to get off my chest."" - Guy with three nipples"

"50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick."