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Joke of the Day

"Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I'll ask him; ""so how does my lack of progress make you feel?"""

"What's the difference between a joke and 100 dicks in your ass? You can't take a joke."

"i'll have a burg please [waiter looks confused] a burg. a meat frisbee. a seared bovine disc. a hamburger sandwich. a bunned beefling my man"

"My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more. Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!"

"When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think ""wow, whoever sat here was very thin""."

"What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungie cord? My ass. Ha, haha, haha, ENOUGH."

"My ex was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists. They performed unspeakable acts on her."

"What does a traffic light tells to another traffic light? Dont look at me I'm changing"

"Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn."

"(new york guy murmuring ""eyy im walkin here"" over and over in his sleep) aww hes having a dream where hes running"