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Joke of the Day

"FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can't remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They'll write her name on the cup for ya!"

"I was wrestling with an Anaconda for 3 days... And then I realised I was masturbating"

"I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall - & I'm like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning"

"If you told them they would be on TV, millions would sign up for ""So You Think You Can Survive the Vacuum of Space""."

"Why did the bird go to the restaurant? Tweet!"

"Sometimes when I look into the toilet I realize that I'm not a regular guy."

"My wife asked me why I was walking around the house with a gun I responded, ""Because of those fucking decepticons!"" I laughed. She laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster."

"Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon."

"In 1828 Franz Schubert was buried next to Beethoven... They wanted to decompose together."

"It's always Sunny in Florida Until the filthy Shia move into the neighborhood."