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Joke of the Day

"Given how many times I've been poked, Googled, and deep crawled, you'd think I'd have a lot more to brag about."

"Hey man, 1980 called. It wants its--oh, can you hold on? I've got 1945 on the other line, and he's conferencing in 1973 so I should get this"

"I can see your camouflage pants, so they're not working."

"I like to push the envelope because it's probably a bill, and eventually it'll fall off the table."

"I'm what you might call 'internet pretty', meaning I'm really your dad."

"I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out."

"Did you hear One Direction is breaking up? They're heading separate ways."

"Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him."

"Ladies: Is your boyfriend the strong, silent type? Is he carved out of wood? Ladies, you may be dating a garden gnome."

"Just spoke to my mom. Unrelated: Anyone want to have unprotected anal?"