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Joke of the Day

"How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures."

"WHY *smack* DON'T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?"

"WTH? My neighbors say they don't like to spoon!? Even after I stopped sleeping in the nude. And introduced myself. Old people! Amirite?"

"Dogs playing poker Why are dogs bad at poker? Because they wag their tails whenever they have a good hand. Why did John's dog win the poker tournament? Because he's a Doberman."

"[home depot] employee[yelling]: YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN HERE me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT"

"Open Relationship My girlfriend and I have been in an open relationship for about a month now. She is still yet to find out.. On the plus side, her mother and I have gotten much closer!"

"What's the difference between a raft guide and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family."

"Hi, welcome to Starbucks! How can we spell your name incorrectly today?"

"If one more teenager uses the term 'Back in the day'...I swear I'm gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers."

"If Groot played basketball He'd set the record for most tree pointers in a game."