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Joke of the Day

"I'm not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won't make eye contact with me."

"what's the worst thing about a pi eating contest? it never ends"

"""Four, five, six, one, two, three, seven, eight, nine, ten! Coming, ready or not!"" George Lucas playing hide and seek"

"""I"" before ""E"" but only at participating locations"

"Whats the difference between a rectal and an oral thermometer? The taste."

"Wife: Are you even listening to me? Me: Of course W: Oh yeah, what did I say? M: [smoke bomb] W: I can still see you M: [Another smoke bomb]"

"(Halloween Costume Shop) ME: *leaving after not finding anything* CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren't free, buddy."

"My dear Grandpa died peacefully in his sleep. But his 3 passengers all went screaming."

"The physics teacher break up with the biology teacher Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry."

"Instead of saying ""I lost 35 pounds"", say, ""I lost half a super-model"""