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Joke of the Day

"Wife: Are you even listening to me? Me: Of course W: Oh yeah, what did I say? M: [smoke bomb] W: I can still see you M: [Another smoke bomb]"

"me: [gets on one knee] GF: [gasps] me: [reaches into pocket] GF: OMG me: [pulls phone out] don't move there's a Pokemon on your foot"

"Got an A on my paper... Time to write the rest of it"

"Amazing scenes in rural US as Trump supporters are seen high-sixing each other."

"Clever Husband. Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: Why Three? Husband: It's for you and your parents."

"Whats the difference between an onion and a hooker? *Dead pan face*, I don't cry when I cut up hookers."

"You have a donkey and I have a rooster. Your donkey eats my roosters legs. What do you have? Two feet of my cock in your ass."

"Just been chatting to my neighbor's teenage daughter It turns out she's really into aliens and UFOs Which is cool because tommorow she's getting abducted"

"What kind of health insurance does a llama need? Ollamacare"

"Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question."