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Joke of the Day

"I know a good story about juice.. .. It's pulp fiction."

"""No! Don't go into the church! Nooo!"" ""Honey, what movie are you watching?"" ""Our wedding video."""

"Fred keeps telling me that he's going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world. Oh what a shame! And you've been engaged for such a long time!"

"Whats your favorite pickup line? Mine is: I'll give you candy if you get in the van"

"There's an iPhone app that scans your face and tells you how ugly you are. You don't need this. If your phone doesn't ring at all, you're ugly."

"Girlfriend: ""I'm pregnant"" Me: ""Really? Thats great."" GF: ""April Fo--"" *I'm already on a plane to a non extradition country*"

"I just killed like a dozen carpenter ants and now I have no idea what I'm going to do with all these little tool belts."

"There is rumor of a new ""Amish Flu"" out of Pennsylvania... the symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little hoarse and Buggy."

"Women are like Siberian Tigers... They're both very pretty to look at, and you can have a lot of fun with each IF they're unconscious, but if its a live one, keep it the *hell* away from me."

"Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I'm an idiot Me: Don't ask. They swore me to secrecy."