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Joke of the Day

"I just killed like a dozen carpenter ants and now I have no idea what I'm going to do with all these little tool belts."

"Thanks phone, for being strong every time I dropped you."

"I'll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr."

"WIFE: Where's the dog? *flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside."

"There are only two reasons to hate gay marriage. Either you're dumb or you're secretly worried that dicks are delicious."

"What's the best part about marrying a farmer? You get to grow old together."

"So, this dugong was all up in my face today askin what kinda shirt I was wearin. I said, ""Manatee."""

"A lot of you are calling me ""mom"" lately. Is it cause I'm old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it's cause I'm old."

"My girlfriend is on her period... She calls me Dracula."

"2 Wind Turbines walk into a bar... The first says, ""What kind of music do you like?"" The second says, ""I'm a heavy metal fan."""