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Joke of the Day

"If Netflix asks if you're still watching, tell the truth. I didn't & missed the first time my Netflix rode a bicycle on its own"

"I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we're walking home with a cart."

"Why doesn't Jesus enjoy manicures or pedicures? Because they always try to mess with his nails."

"[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard* ME: no not again *she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*"

"Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems? Because they don't believe in higher powers."

"My family tells me that I talk in my sleep almost every night.. But they don't say anything like that to me at work."

"What did one lesbian pirate say to the other? Scissor me timbers. ^^im^fucking^sorry"

"I have sex almost every night! Almost Monday night, almost Tuesday night..."

"Where does Google and Apple get their weather information? The Cloud."

"Metro don't trust trump. Future gon' shoot him."