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Joke of the Day

"Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that."

"Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don't remember what her answer was."

"The only thing I want to ""portion control"" is my time spent at work."

"[man] Excuse me, would you like to dance? [women] NO! [man] Maybe u didn't hear me.... I said u look really fat in those pants!"

"A world without women would be a pain in the ass!!! ... If you don't get it... you don't deserve to."

"I'm usually pretty inspired after watching a movie to try something I've just seen. [hunts for a movie about cleaning bathrooms]"

"Someone just stole my lemon loaf.... Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake"

"Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash* McDonald's employee: [nervously assuring me] it's all there I swear."

"Old people always poke me at weddings and say ""You're next"" So I started doing the same to them at funerals"

"A third-party vote walks out of a bar... He says ""Wow, I'm wasted."""