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Joke of the Day

"I got into a fight against three people earlier and managed to knock one out... In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best time to masturbate."

"What do you call it when a baby tells you off? A fedis."

"Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won't understand how many calories are in it."

"hey @BestBuy a worker here has a hole cut out of his polo for his nipple ring to show through. he says ""it's new and needs to breathe"""

"I have a lift off a colleague to work everyday, and always feel ill when we go under bridges.... I think I must have carpool tunnel syndrome."

"Did you know Kim Khardashian's dad was a member of OJ Simpsons legal team? So the whole family has a history of getting black guys off"

"I once thought about write a book, but quit before I even started. It was a novel idea."

"I used to love your updates. Then you pissed me off, and now your updates piss me off too."

"Tired of hearing the same song over and over again? Try being in marching band."

"I know I'm getting old... the other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys attacked me with shovels."