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Joke of the Day

"I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses."

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"[friend being eaten by a bear] *screaming violently* Me: Stay calm! Don't move so much! I'm trying to take a picture for snapchat!"
"I would be a better president than Donald Trump This is probably the wrong place to post this because that's not a fucking joke."
"How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair? Asking because Spider-Man... I mean... Just asking."
"Guerrero wanted the boxing match to be outdoors tn but... He was afraid of the May Weather."
"What's the difference between a slut and a bowling ball? Nothing....you find them both in an alley, finger the holes, throw them in the gutter, and they keep coming back."
"I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said ""4G."" My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk."
"Why were Kay's pets scared of Kay? because... K8 K9"
"I like my women the way I like my coffee... Two years old and stone cold..."
"I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live... I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. I shot him and the judge gave me 30 years."