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Joke of the Day

"Wife: There's a spider in the kids' bedroom Me: I'll take care of it *raises spider like one of my own* *has a little cry when it graduates*"

"Sometimes I feel a seal is just a neutral sea lion Neutral as in Without an ion"

"My girlfriend and I were practicing safe sex... i told her sex with a condom on doesn't usually feel as good. she pulled it off"

"A Galaxy Phone, an iPhone and a windows phone fall out a top story window. The galaxy phone bounces with minor cracks. The iPhone smashes into dozens of pieces. The windows phone freezes mid decent."

"Why is a dog so warm in Summer? He wears a coat and pants."

"You don't have to like me. I'm not a Facebook status.."

"People always look at me weird when I argue with my food, but what can I say? I cook a mean steak."

"I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples."

"Knock Knock. Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? I though you'd never forget."

"Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza"