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Joke of the Day

"I made a bunch of custom t-shirts for my footballer friends, and they suddenly turned into philosophers. Must've been the soccer tees."

"[Date] Him: I don't trust myself around you Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom"

"How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb. None. Californians screw in hot tubs."

"that kid at the public pool who kept screaming at his mom to watch him jump in grew up to be a blogger"

"Where are you when you're in the U.K. waiting for Vietnamese soup? Pho queue"

"I like my women like I like my coffee In a cup"

"Him: What? I couldn't understand you. Me: gnbkfshbffjjg H: What?! Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG! H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!"

"What I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have adquired over a.... *Accidentally drops cell phone on the toilet*"

"Wished my wife a 'Happy Valentine's ay!' I'll give her the D later."

"""youre acting like a big baby"" wow great observation dipshit i am basically a baby that has aged a lot and gained weight. we all are"