109016

Joke of the Day

"35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell ""Don't you die on me!"" at the right moment."

"DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo] DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo? DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]"

"4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress* *puts on ballerina shoes* *puts on ballerina tiara* Me: Who are you supposed to be? 4: A ninja."

"What do firemen and Eastern European prostitutes have in common? They both go down on poles."

"I hope that one day I am as fearless as a New York City Pigeon."

"Micky Mouse is in divorce court The judge says, ""So you, uh, want to divorce your wife because she's crazy?"" And Mickey says, ""Um, no, I think what you heard me say is that she's fucking Goofy!"""

"Coolest part of a space ship is the RADiator."

"The Vatican has dispelled rumors that the Pope is resigning because he's a pedophile. They claim he just got a little behind at work."

"Joke of The Day Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich? Never mind, it's just a bunch of bologna."

"Chuck Norris Joke Chuck Norris tells Preston about settlements that need help."