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Joke of the Day

"There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!"

"Why won't Hillary ever pull out? She's never finished screwing people."

"Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other."

"Why did the coed have sex with a Mexican? Her professor told her if she wanted to pass, she had to do an essay"

"I can make you speak like an Indian. How? That's right!"

"I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there's no need."

"Just saw that new Harry Potter movie, and was really disappointed... ...just looked at my ticket stub. It turns out the movie is called fantastic *beasts* and where to find them."

"I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes ""Man, you're such a Cheetah!"" and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever."

"When I was 6 I got coal from Santa... The next year I decided to get back at him and poison the cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad"

"So Helen Keller walks into a bar . . . . . . then she walks into a table, she knocks over a lamp, barks her shins on the ottoman, spills a drink . . . it's fine I'll show myself out."