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Joke of the Day

"They say a dog is man's best friend... but honestly, even my worst enemy wouldn't stare me dead in the eye while taking a shit in my living room."

"Sally Why did Sally fall off the swing? Sally has no arms. Knock knock Who's there? Not Sally."

"1 Buy a racehorse 2 Hire a TMZ reporter as the jockey 3 Tell him a minor celebrities is drunk at the finish line 4 Win literally every race"

"Say what you want about the Make-a-Wish foundation At least they can work to a deadline"

"I don't hold grudges. My father held grudges, I always hated him for that."

"If the music's too loud you're too old."

"What's red and smells like yellow paint? Red paint"

"Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I'm 6th in line for a selfie."

"What moved less than Jenny McCarthy's forehead tonight? Mariah Carey's mouth."

"[puts puppy in microwave] [googles instructions for making hotdogs] [quickly releases puppy from microwave]"