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Joke of the Day

"If I share my food with you, it's either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it."

"Johnny asked his grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, ""No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could fuck in one night."""

"I'm glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill ... because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean."

"How do you piss Voldemort off? play got your nose with him"

"Why does the Vanu Sovereignty hate plastic bags? They keep Terran."

"If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza."

"Four years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams, today I asked her to marry me She said no both times"

"Never correct my son when he calls Kanye West, ""Kenny West."""

"What did the customer ask the prostitute when they got to the hotel? Do you come here often?"

"Every grocery store has free samples if you're quick enough"