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Joke of the Day

"We need to run the government like a business. Specifically a Quizno's with a bat infestation, staffed by emotionally unbalanced retirees."

"Why was everyone laughing at the sculptor? He was making a funny face"

"It would be horrible if a Mexican male's name was rita. Hello, Senior Rita."

"I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, she's still alive."

"Don't tell a Klepto this... ...they take everything literally."

"Last night I was driving down an old country road when I hit a pedestrian going 50 mph. It seemed to take forever for help to arrive. That's the last time I use that towing company."

"How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but the real question is how they got in there."

"You know what's really great about being a Democrat in Texas on Super Tuesday? No waiting in line. (An hour and a half wait if you were a Republican.)"

"Dang girl. Are you a werewolf... Cause I'm lycan what I see."

"Neighbor's kid just asked me 2 fix his computer. I was gonna tell him 2 come back tomorrow but I saw the look of ""I need porn"" in his eyes."