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Joke of the Day

"""Food expiration dates are lies. It's all about control."" My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. ""I'm saving this for later."""

"Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? She lay awake all night wondering if there was a Dog."

"Even that crack on the wall becomes more interesting when you're meant to be studying."

"My car starts to hydroplane. I let go & whisper, ""Do it. Become the plane you've always dreamed of. I love you."" *Soft kiss*"

"You know what's the worst thing about having sex with 28 year olds? You have to keep track of all twenty of 'em"

"what is it called when a redditor has a threesome? using both hands"

"If I take a bite of your food at a restaurant and your food is better than my food, just be aware that our relationship is now in danger"

"I'm sure my girlfriend's frigid Every time she opens her legs a light comes on."

"Whats my knee's favourite channel? Dis-knee channel."

"How would you describe your past work? [Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar] -Change management."