104810

Joke of the Day

"lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name me: laser guardian"

"what did the doctor say to the midget? you'll just have to be a little patient"

"him: what did you do all day? *steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together* Me: it's a purrrramid!"

"""Eat me,"" said the noun ""Say what?"" said the verb. ""Eat me,"" repeated the noun, word for word. ""Uhh...okay."" Verbatim."

"""Sure the Decepticons are trying to kill us, but at least the price of fuel is reasonable"" -Optimistic Prime."

"ME: *smashes bottle into a ship* MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it? ME: I'm not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships"

"Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I'm talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair"

"Following the leaking of nude photo's of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay."

"A man comes to the infodesk in a mall And says: ""Sorry, I seem to have lost my son in the mall, can I make an announcement on your PA system?"" ""Oh, sure"" The man leans towards the mike: ""I'm vegan"""

"""Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted,"" my dad told me. ""Are you kidding? Really?"" I shouted. ""Yup, get ready,"" he said. ""They'll be picking you up in about an hour."""