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Joke of the Day

"[before sex] HER: did you bring protection? ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*"

"Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead."

"The older Cameron Diaz gets, the more she and Mickey Rourke look like brothers."

"When people say ""May I ask who's calling?"" I like to say ""Sure, go ahead."""

"Happy New Year everyone....and may your worries this year last no longer than a Kardashian marriage ."

"The Walking Dead or the Grammys. Do you watch the bloodthirsty monsters ready to eat each other to survive or do you go with Walking Dead?"

"[Whole Foods] Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE! *I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*"

"When I was young, I played the triangle in a reggae band. I just used to stand at the back 'n' ting."

"In April of 1620, it rained. That same year, the Pilgrims arrived. I suppose the saying is true. April showers bring Mayflowers."

"What do you call a man who worships his own scrotum? Sacrilegious."