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Joke of the Day

"Absence makes the heart want to fondle other people"

"when I die I want you to save my skull and use me as a paperweight (and kiss me when no one is looking)"

"The Bartender says, ""This bar is for fortune tellers only."" Two skeptics walk into a bar."

"Last month, I asked my dad if I could get a tattoo. He told me to get it somewhere that didn't matter, so I got it done in Oklahoma."

"What's the quietest element? A no-bell gas. Especially when the ringing noises Are-gon."

"How does a Russian count '1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi...'? 1 CCCP, 2 CCCP, 3 CCCP... I^will^see^myself^out"

"I haven't had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I'm basically a duck at this point."

"what kind of pants does the godfather wear? al pa-chinos"

"What did the Catholic Mexican say to greet the Greek God of Thunder? ""hey zeus!"""

"How many moths does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just two, but how they get in there.. I don't know. (Stolen from an old Maxim in my dad's storage)"